- dream: my mother comes to pick me up with a helicopter. she is wearing a police uniform and gives me one too. it is snowing heavily. after we’ve landed, we see two policemen standing on the pavement, chatting. we bend down to avoid them and walk home. another dream: i am watching the commercial of a potato pie. the slogan says: a potato pie that pacifies your sin of bad cooking. my friend wants to tint the left iris of an octopus and then extract it. he throws a bait into the sea, but the octopus doesn’t bite. it snatches the bait (an eel’s head) and swims away with a smirk. i wake up at seven in the morning, talk to C for a minute, and fall back asleep. she says she can watch movies from the tv she has at home. lying in the dark, i start to wonder why sex is complex but pleasurable, not painless and pleasureless, physically boring. just as any other feature of the humankind, it must have happened purely because of chance, of coincidence. but still, what if the evolution of sex had taken a different route? then there would have only been sex for the purpose of reproduction; what we know as sex for pleasure would not have existed. consequently, a relationship like the one between C and me would have been asexual because there’s no fun in it, why waste the time. in winter we would spend those long nights sleeping. but sex for and solely for pleasure means desire and wanting. if it is taken away, maybe there would be an even more absolute division between the status of queerness and that of long-established normality. i feel compelled to say: i love and desire sex with C; it is hard because it takes a lot of time to understand the physical needs of your partner and also yourself, but it is part of our relationship and i would like to do it everyday, not merely sleeping through three months of coldness in the dark. scrambled eggs with hash browns.
- beef chili with corn bread, sweet corns, and broccoli. small hot chocolate with whipped cream. made by that actor kid who always makes bland matcha.