2018/2/17 Sat
- i couldn’t sleep last night. i wasn’t thinking or worrying about anything in particular; i just couldn’t sleep. it reminded me of the time before i’d been together with C, when i couldn’t seem to understand how anyone ever fell asleep. C tried her best to calm me down and i managed to doze off sometime after 2, waking up at 8. today she doesn’t mention the ringing in her ears before sleep. 1 can of brown sugar congee.
- G’s boyfriend went to visit her mother yesterday and talked with her for four hours. she calls me and says her mother really liked him because they shared the same opinion on multiple issues, including when G and him should have sex (after they’re engaged). G and i talk on the phone for one and a half hours trying to figure out if her boyfriend actually likes her as much as he claims he does. as i’m sitting in the sun talking to her while reading a textbook, it occurs to me that her boyfriend might have wanted a girlfriend who is in a distance most of the time, so that he could shift his attention from uncontrollable carnal desire to the abstract psychological fulfillment. maybe this is why he started to blame G for not caring about him enough only after he’d mentioned his longing to go to the brothel again. maybe he is frustrated that their relationship hasn’t functioned in the way he’s intended it to. G says this hypothesis is too much for her to bear. i wonder if deep down i’ve always been waiting for such a chance to talk ill of him. G keeps saying there’s something strange about him that she can’t put her finger on, and i have been trying to figure out the emotional foundation of their relationship too. when G told him she liked him, they had not known each other for a very long time, nor had he showed, explicitly or implicitly, any romantic interest in her. how can he just jump right into it and act as if he loves G from the depth of his heart? the way he talks to G, the way he texts/writes to G, it leaves me the uncanny impression that he is reciting what’s written in a relationship handbook published in the 1980s. from the first time i met him, i’ve had the doubt that he is playing the perfect boyfriend like playing a game. should i take a step back and admit that i always have the tendency to sabotage a relationship that i don’t see as fit? could i say that i’m mad at G’s boyfriend for he has chosen to take up this relationship, even though he may not like G that much, because there is absolutely no risk in doing so, no price he has to pay when sooner or later his parents discover it? it could be my (irrational?) anger at this abuse of privilege that has led to my suspicion of him. if so, maybe i should refrain from speaking to G about her boyfriend. turkey meatball sandwich with fries. medium passion peach tea with honey and milk (hot). today C hasn’t awoken either. king of pentacles is a card of good fortune. after she gets up and has lunch, her father drags her out for a walk. later she calls me while walking across her city to see her friend. whenever she comes to a crossroad, she tells me, now i remove the phone from my ear and i can’t hear you. then she goes on crossing the street.