2017/11/6 Mon

1. 3 dark chocolate mini wafers. we talk about buying an apartment and being unable to buy an apartment. C says before we got together she could imagine renting a place after finishing grad school, slowly saving money to get a place of her own, eventually. but now that she’s with me, she has lost the ability to imagine that. she says she feels very dependent on me. she feels that, as long as we’re together, she doesn’t need to worry much. but this is unrealistic because how can we afford a place of our own anyway? it’s so expensive. she says, straight men are just pitiful. they have so much straight man pressure. this is all what people say to them, buy an apartment buy a house buy a place for you and your wife and your potential children. how? do houses fall into their hands from the straight man sky? i say yes it is such a deeply rooted social pressure and then i realize what she’s just said and start laughing.
2. autumn salad: lettuce, roast pumpkin, dry figs, pomegranate seeds, white beans, chicken breast.
3. medium matcha (hot) watch the love witch again. the instructor (female) asks the director (female) about the scene where the protagonist (female) is stripping. the instructor says, when she is stripping i feel that it goes back into the conventional male fantasy a little bit. the director says, no. i wonder if the sound of me chewing on lettuce is too loud. i wonder if everyone else around me can hear me making this sound and know it is my teeth and lettuce. in fact i can’t hear them clearly, but the whole film is playing with conventional male fantasies of the feminine ideal. then i remember how my mother would ask me if i felt shy walking past boys on the street. we were on our way to buy some grapes and walked past three high school boys. it came out of nowhere. maybe she thought she could catch me off guard and see if i’d grown into puberty. i said, no. i’ve never felt shy walking past anyone. even several years later when i was in love for the first time, i didn’t feel shy walking past the girl i was in love with because i could only feel happy. then as i’m sitting there watching the film i remember G’s ex-boyfriend, how he’d got his body checked and sent G the report before they had sex, so that she knew he was healthy. a few months later he slept with another woman because G was so far away and he was lonely. after they broke up and got back together and broke up for the second and the last time, he started to pick up girls from the church he attended on a regular basis. most men have never seen a used tampon in his life, said the love witch while making a witch bottle with used tampons. i have almost forgotten this part. they have ritual gatherings inside a church-like space.
4. 21 green grapes. i don’t know when or where i’ve chafed the knuckle of my right thumb and i sit there eat green grapes and bleed. sometimes it hurts more sometimes it hurts less sometimes i don’t feel anything. C asks me if i miss her and i say yes, i miss you. she says i’m not excited enough and asks me again. i say yes, i miss you. she says i’m not excited enough and tells me to ask her instead. i say, do you miss me? she says (in an excited voice), yes, i miss you i miss you i miss you. then she asks me if i miss her. i say (in an excited voice (not as excited as hers because i’m bad at acting excited)), yes, i miss you i miss you i miss you.