2017/10/18 Wed

  1. 2 dark chocolate mini wafers
  2. deli sandwich: 2 sour doughs, tuna salad, tomatoes, lettuce. small mocha (hot).
  3. 1 orange. 1 naked smoothie (purple). 3 slices of pork. C has a dream. she takes me back to her grandfather’s place and we have dinner with her family. her mother thinks i’m cute. today is the first day of my period. we always tell each other when we get our period so that, if we want to see the record, we can simply type in “period” and get a whole list of the dates of past periods. she once said we were using each other as a multi-functional app. yesterday was the first day of the 19th national congress of the communist party of china, and some online news media put out a game in which users could watch and virtually applaud xi’s speech. by the end of yesterday, he had received 1,035,247,172 times of applause. the time of my period this month coincides with that of the week-long congress, during which our ability to have sex is crippled. mostly there will only be the fantasy, the unspoken, the really unreal. today i also get my new dress. it has a cut-out on either side of the waist. i send C a picture of me in the dress. she says she wants to reach her hands into the cut-outs down to my hips and my thigh. i say, you can’t, i’m having my period. at this time it feels easier to pretend it is the only thing standing in between us, the bleeding, as opposed to the actual distance, while of course when we are physically with each other we don’t care if either or both of us are in our period. we’ve tried to care and failed. we have sex anyway because it’s healthy and because we can. mostly because we can. so now we know we are just pretending. how can G and my mother question if there is sex? there is so much sex that C jokes about us being best friends by day and fuck friends by night. it irritates me, but to a lesser degree every time. there is so much sex that i initially planned to stay with her for half a month this winter so as to dilute it and create, as i’d imagined it, a living situation that would more closely mimic our future life together, one that involved watching tv, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, eating, taking walks after dinner. i had wanted to see what would happen if we could live together for a while like a married couple. now it’s impossible again. maybe we’ll have four or five days. (it is almost strange, how strong a feeling of accomplishment i get from having a somewhat regulated period. feeling and seeing myself bleeding, from the right part at the right time, make me cheerful. you are doing exceptionally well. there’s no tumor in your body (at least part of your body). you are clean (at least partially clean)!)
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