2017/12/16 Sat
- C and i are still not entirely over the effects caused by me showing this text to her. there are mistakes and misassumptions on my part that make her uncomfortable, and she also senses a coldness in my tone that she dislikes and fears. meanwhile, something is stopping me from re-reading what i have written in this diary, and i have since forgotten nearly all of it. when she says i was mistaken in this and that, i have no excuses or accounts for myself because i don’t remember. likewise, sometimes she doesn’t remember what exactly has made her angry but has no strength to go back and look for it. at such occasions i get the feeling that we’re talking about something in midair, up for grasp, but neither of us knows how so we have to leave it floating. what has been made explicit is the mistake i’ve made in narrating our virtual sex. now i know that when she says she misses my body and plays with me, she is actually considering my potential physical needs and trying to fulfill them without my asking. she says it is tiring to play with someone, and she’s willing to play with me because she loves me. but i keep misreading it and invent irrelevant/overly rational explanations for all her actions. i guess she is right. soon after she points it out, i don’t quite understand my confidence in making assumptions of what she is thinking. but is it really confidence? to me every thought has always felt imaginary, fictional, absurd. by distancing me from myself it is no longer me but something else, a body, two generic female bodies wide apart yet always reuniting in a virtual space. i feel cancelled and reinvented. how can i reenter this if i no longer equals i and does not know what to expect? 1 pepperidge farm bordeaux cookie. canned sliced peaches (16 slices).
- chicken sandwich. tall chestnut praline latte (hot). i go hunting for a pair of slippers to wear on the plane, but it is winter and i can’t find outdoor slippers, though most people are still wearing t-shirts. i start to wonder if i should be expecting to find everything in a supermarket in all seasons. i roam down the aisles in walmart. the shoes department have four aisles and there are huge men’s shoes and tiny children’s shoes and nothing in between. it smells like rubber and leather. how big does one have to be in order to fully occupy those black rain boots? i could shuffle my head into them and if i scream i would hear an echo. i get scared and rush out. it feels as if i’d shrunk to three feet. i end up buying a pair of winter slippers with faux fur on the inside. after boiling water with my kettle and unplugging it, i’m always afraid there’d be remaining electricity on its plug. i can’t help myself.
- 1 cup of instant noodles (roast chicken flavor)