2018/3/31 Sat

  1. today is the international transgender day of visibility. when i was back home for winter, my parents asked me if H was a boy or a girl and i tried to tell them H was a trans person who used the pronoun they. at that time my parents both seemed quite interested but, only the next day, my father texted my mother that he was worried about me. look who she is playing with, he said. homosexuals and trans people. my mother showed it to me and asked me what i wanted to say. i told her i didn’t want to say anything. so she went ahead and texted him, she is an adult. she won’t be affected. i felt especially betrayed because he remembered the term. he had learned it from me and immediately used it to describe the group of people he found disgusting, a task that would have taken him several lines had he not heard and memorized this word. and then there came the feeling that i had done something wrong. i felt guilty. today too i wake up three times and say good night to C four times, once over the phone, the other three via messages. again i find myself in that anxiety caused by the lack of intimacy. 112 blueberries. many of them are quite small.
  2. 1 cup of instant noodles (beef flavor). 1 banana.
  3. half a spicy salmon burrito. C gets up and goes to the lab. she has a full day today. my mother says last night she dreamed that we were going out for barbecue, she and my father and me, each dragging a suitcase. but she is awoken by my father before reaching the barbecue place. knowing she’ll be content with the response, i say, so you are craving barbecue. she says, haha.