2018/1/24 Wed

  1. last night i only slept for four hours. i thought of physical pain. i haven’t experienced any severe physical pain, and it seems rather impossible to live one’s whole life without at least a single encounter with injury of the skin and bones. so i have been waiting for it to happen. when i visited C over the winter, we went to a mall and again went kissing in the fitting room. then we came out and C actually tried on a coat. it was a light moldy green. she handed me her coat and shoulder bag and put the new coat on in front of a mirror. she said, it’s too short. i wish it was longer. seeing her standing under the bright fluorescent light, a sharp, piercing strangeness rushed over me. i thought, i have never seen her doing this before. we had been to multiple fitting rooms, but we had mostly used that place as a temporary space of intimacy, maybe also a private waiting room where we could spend some time prior to the next separation. the lights in a fitting room were usually also dimmer. this was the first time i saw her trying something on in a semi-open space. it felt strange. in that instant i felt she was far away from me. this strangeness, this sudden distancing, i felt them in my body. last night i thought of this moment and physical pain. once when i was four or five years old, i rubbed the ankle of my left foot against the bamboo bed mat so hard, for such a long time, that i broke every square inch of the skin on my ankle and started bleeding. i remember the exposed, muddy redness. for a long time i’d thought i could see my bone, but it could not have been, since i was not even bandaged. i remember resting my foot on the rim of the bathtub so the wound wouldn’t get wet. but i don’t remember any pain, so it doesn’t count. 1 small bowl of salad: bow-tie pasta with blue goat cheese, sweet corns, 5 tofu cubes. i thought blue goat cheese tasted the same with ordinary goat cheese. it was the strangest cheese i’d ever had. small mocha (hot). i chafed my right thumb while pulling toilet paper out.
  2. 1 chicken breast. 11 baked potato chunks. grilled squash with cauliflowers and broccolis. S emails everyone about the new hair situation in the shower. B says the shower is covered in mold. it’s really becoming a very anti-social space, she says. under current circumstance i think it is actually a nice direction.