2017/9/21 Thur

  1. self-made sandwich: 2 pieces of white bread, 2 pieces of lettuce, guacamole, 2 pieces of Bologna
  2. small matcha (hot). C is going to sleep and tells me to send her the sleep sticker, which is a cartoon alpaca sleeping on a bright yellow pillow with a bright yellow nightcap, bright yellow stars and a bright yellow moon twinkling on the dark blue sky. This sticker has become part of our good-night routine, which consists of the following steps: a. C says, “Good morning,” I say, “Good night.” b. C says, “Love you,” I say, “Love you.” c. C says, “See you tonight,” I say, “See you tomorrow.” d. C sends me the sleep sticker, I send her the sleep sticker. (Same routine applies when I am about to sleep.)        the other day C said she had trouble sleeping because she had sent the sleep sticker after me and our chat ended there. she had the feeling of being abandoned and set up a rule that, if she was the one to go to bed, i had to send the sticker after her so that the conversation ended with me. if I was going to sleep, she would draw the end. i agreed and she had no trouble sleeping. she apologized for requesting too much. i said no, it’s nothing, i know how it must have felt, i will never abandon you or make you feel abandoned, i will always send the last sticker.        before we settled on the alpaca, there had been other options too. there were three different rabbits and this alpaca, and we used to choose at random. i preferred to differ. if she chose a rabbit, i’d use a different rabbit or the alpaca. if she chose the alpaca, i’d send her one of the rabbits. somehow using the same sticker felt redundant and too deliberate and silly. later i realized it was because we had not established the good-night routine. once we decided on what we had to say to each other before bed, it only made sense for us to use the same sticker. random choices would have been an outlier of the continuity or even push us back into chaos. also, it could not be any of the rabbits because the alpaca was the most used sticker series in our daily chat. the good-night routine has made our life easier because we no longer need to consider what to say and can consequently go to sleep in a shorter time. but i am also curious as to if it means we both agree that saying good night has only a symbolic value and thus can be set aside from the other parts of our relationship, which is not regulated and full of randomness. if it is so, why couldn’t she sleep when i didn’t send the last sticker? did she feel abandoned or uncomfortable because her expectation of the routine failed to be fulfilled? other than the sticker situation, we never really got together and say, “before either of us sleeps we shall say this and this;” it came into being with no confirmation in words. the longer we abide to it, the more anxious i get over the anticipation of us finding the routine unsatisfying or simply getting bored.
  3. Sabra guacamole dip with ???
  4. fried rice (half)
  5. tall pumpkin spiced latte (iced)