2017/12/7 Thur

  1. chicken, tabbouleh, hummus, baba ghanoush, tomato and cucumber salad
  2. small caramel macchiato (hot). i see someone peeling an orange, and he struggles to get all the white stuff clean. watching him, i feel happy. i say to myself, this is exactly how anyone should be peeling an orange.
  3. 4 almond sea salt crackers. i draw a card for our relationship and get the hierophant. the first day i received my deck, C said she wanted to see if we were going to get married but quickly backed out, too scared to see what would come up. if the act of me drawing a card indicates i’m less scared, then why am i? on the other hand, the hierophant stands for marriage alliance, captivity, servitude, mercy and goodness, inspiration. it seems like quite a nice card. should i tell C about it? will she be worried that the result is only temporary and the evidence already gone as soon as i insert the card back into the deck? will she frown at the card because it shows a religious figure, a priest? but maybe she’ll feel relieved, even just a little bit. the wildfires strike on. today we have 7,000 acres with 15% controlled, and yesterday it was 5,000 with 5%. statistically, the situation seems to have improved. my mother asks me if the fire is close to where i am. i tell her no. really it depends on how she defines “close.” later in the shower i find a long cut on my back. i don’t know how it happened, but it’s already healing. this evening is the first time when one of her roommates comes back when we are in the middle of sex. had C not been on her period, it could have been more awkward. her voice cools down quickly. though it’s only a bit, i can sense it anyway. in that voice she says she’ll wait for me. i say, wait for me what? she says, i’ll wait till you come. i can hear what her roommate is saying. i’m afraid she’ll start to answer what’s being said to her. for a while i lie on my stomach, trying to find the whole situation especially stimulating, to recall all the fanfictions that have this kind of phone sex. what are the sexual settings that only feel exciting when i read them? i hope one day i can make a list in two seconds. slowly i realize i know very little about my body. my shoe size, my pant size, what color suits me, how much bleeding to expect, the amount and look of normal vaginal discharge, my favorite sex position and sensitive areas - all of them lay beyond my self-knowledge. sixteen years have passed since i had that sudden itch that almost led to the loss of my right nipple, and understanding the word nipple could be the largest discovery i’ve made so far. i admire C for her ability of knowing what she wants physically. she says we’ll find out together.