2017/12/31 Sun

  1. 2 rice buns with red bean paste. 1 cup of milk.
  2. C is coming by the train and i take the subway to meet her at the train station. we both feel anxious. more than anxious: i feel as if it were a dream, and i was flying, floating through without touching the water beneath me. it is for me at the same time an ecstasy and the highlight of self-doubt. japanese barbecue: beef, beef tongue, lettuce, sweet corns, shrimp, salmon rolls (6 pieces).
  3. grande black tea latte (hot). again we are kissing in the fitting room we have once kissed during summer. walking by the same half block where two different malls locate, C says she has a feeling that we will frequent this area when we date in the future. we sit next to a whole wall of gashapon machines for a long time, holding each other. the blue and red led lights flash intermittently. sometimes small children come by. a girl gets a frozen gashapon and hands it to her parents, and from the dark pink shell they pour out shiny plastic snow flakes. we laugh at the strange and overpriced hippo gashapons. i feel ill in my stomach but also safe and sleepy. i wish we could go home and fall asleep. when C is gone i am at a loss because it is so short, almost can’t register in my mind, that for a while i am not sure if i have lost something. i keep worrying if C hasn’t really been happy. C says it is short but she is happy to see me, and i’m still preparing for seeing her next time. lying in the dark, i wait for twelve am so i can be the first to wish her happy new year. as soon as it reaches twelve, i hear cheers and the sound of fireworks outside the window, in a distance. fireworks have long been forbidden. maybe that’s why there are so few, gone so quick. i remember walking out from the mall and into the chilly winter dusk, feeling the desire to live with C heavy in my stomach. today my stomach is unusually present.
  4. pumpkin porridge. 2 oranges.