2017/12/28 (=2017/12/29) Thur/Fri

  1. 1 sweet corn cob. 1 boiled egg. take a taxi to the airport. meet a woman in her fifties and she asks me to help her check in. while sitting there waiting to board, she shows me pictures taken in australia. she tells me kangaroos will pat you on the shoulder with their fuzzy paws and tilt their head to look at you, asking you for food. she says, these people, their children were so cute! every time i saw a little child i wanted to hug them, but i didn’t dare to because their parents were close by. 1 plain bagel with cream cheese.
  2. chicken with rice. ??? salad. 1 cup of apple juice.
  3. 1 turkey and cheese sandwich. 1 cup of coffee with cream and sugar. on the airplane i sit by the window. a man comes to our row and greets the woman sitting to my right, and she stands up to talk to him. they are talking right in front of me. i can’t help noticing how much he looks like D’s boyfriend, how they even have the same standing posture, the same air of confidence and assurance that i believe belongs to well-established business people. i finish watching the first episode of twin peaks which is more than an hour long and they are still talking and it bothers me. i can’t stand people talking in such a proximity to me for so long. i consider telling them to go talk at another place. reconsidering it, i decide i should say please go talk at another place. they talk about the wildfire that the woman “didn’t get a chance to see,” as if it were some tourist attraction. they agree that the roller coasters in disneylands are not exciting enough because they are designed for kids. a little boy comes by and stares at the emergency exit next to our row. he waves his arm in the air, mimicking the gesture of opening the door. i feel tense. i want to shout, where the fuck is this kid’s parent? take him away before he opens the exit and gets sucked out. they go on talking. i sit straight in my seat staring at them. the woman tells the man about the times she went skating with her husband. the man says people in his master’s program were too laid back and that’s why he took to do his phd. i consider saying to them, please go talk at another place, you’re giving me a panic attack. the man sitting on the farthest out gets up to use the lavatory. another boy runs by and pushes down the man’s tray table. it makes a crashing sound. i turn to look at him. he makes two guns with his hands and shoots me. they talk and talk and talk it seems endless, but eventually the man withdraws and returns to his seat. suddenly i regret so much for having not spoken up. the opportunity is gone. a terrible rage forms within me and i want to kick and beat and smash everything, but here on the plane there is absolutely nothing i dare to damage. i reach for an empty water bottle and wring it till it gets all twisted and my hands hurt. i realize i’m shaking. i start to cry. over and over again it plays in my head, how much i’ve wanted to hurt someone, everyone, the woman and the man who have talked in front of me for a whole hour for the most trivial, unworthy matters, the two boys who have been running around carelessly thinking it’s their right as small kids to shoot others with flesh guns, and how much i’d wanted to hurt D who i loved from when i was sixteen to twenty and her boyfriend who works at the think tank of T and how incapable i’ve been of hurting them and how capable they’ve been of hurting me without even trying, without being aware. i feel disgusted and desperate and extremely alone. i can’t imagine facing my parents. i can’t imagine facing C. what if deep inside i am still depressed to the same degree? what if i am not ready? i start to imagine coming out the first thing after seeing my parents, crying in the airport, in the car, on the way home. i imagine not making the necessary sacrifice for my family. i imagine hurting everyone except C. yet i also want to tell her, i hate children, let’s never have children together, which is more than anything a way of hurting her without meaning to.
  4. 1 cup of hot black tea
  5. scrambled eggs with ham and cheese. 1 cup of hot black tea.
  6. rice with diced pork, carrots, onions, mushrooms. 1 cup of yogurt. before sleep i tell C what happened on the plane.