2017/11/16 Thur
- scrambled eggs with hash browns and 7 broccoli. today a hum follows me and sticks on my left foot. i move from my bed to the cafe to the lounge and it won’t go away. it seems to be inside my foot, which is cold and twitches a little when i tuck it under my thighs. maybe it’s because i haven’t been wearing socks, and we are now in the sock season. but in summer i had the same twitch too.
- medium matcha (hot). G calls and says she doesn’t think boys find her attractive. she tells me there is a boy she’s interested in making into her boyfriend, to whom she’s sent some signal, but he only ignores her. i ask her what the signal is. she says, i invited him to go to target with me. i say, that’s not a signal. he could have thought you wanted him to carry groceries for you. she says, but i didn’t let him carry anything. i say, how could he know? supermarkets are not that kind of signals in general. she says, maybe. and i invited him because he had said he didn’t know where target was. and i keep thinking of her words. “i have sent him a signal.” i wonder if she is a firefly. i like to recall the moment when i have just stepped out from the train platform and caught sight of C, out in the midst of a crowd, looking around, waiting. i like to run towards her, especially when there is no need to. and then we are embracing, kissing, wanting all the strangers to see while already forgetting their presence. once in august she came to see me with her stuffed dog from ikea, and i held the two of them in my arms. we took it to the mall and pretended to feed it steaks. we took pictures of it with all the pelicans on my shirt. after the kiss and embrace we start to hold hands, and at this moment, seeing each other after our newest separation, heading to the subway, my fingers woven into hers, i find myself at the highest of completion. it surprises and even scares me how hand holding alone can feel so intimate and sensual. once C said, when we had just got back to our hotel room, that every time we held hands she could imagine how the same hand had touched and would again touch her body later at night. she said it felt like foreplay, the part of foreplay that was always happening, never dropped, as long as we were close enough to each other. we would sleep with our hands clasped together, so that we felt safe. we talk about how we can feel safe all the time. we need these moments of safety and getting married is the ultimate safety reservoir, the one we drink from day and night, vast, boundless, inexhaustible.
- spicy shrimp avocado roll (8 pieces). we have developed a new habit. what was once virtual sex is now often practiced in the form of phone sex, which makes it harder for me to think of something to say. most times we don’t say much. we just keep calling each other’s names. i’m always worried one of her roommate would come back in the middle, since she doesn’t have her own bedroom.