2017/9/29 Fri

  1. 2 pieces of white bread with chocolate spread

  2. oranges, pasta, broccoli coleslaw, 5 cubes of tofu. half red bean mooncake, 1/4 nuts&egg yolk mooncake (so bad, worst mooncake i’ve ever had).

  3. medium matcha (iced). today i’ve figured what a dirty chai is.
  4. pasta, spinach, chicken breast with cream sauce. C has a nightmare: she sleeps with a boy from her high school; he tells her she’s pregnant, so she asks her teacher for a pregnancy test stick and pees on it in the classroom; she realizes she is indeed pregnant, slaps the boy in the face twice, and starts to panic. how is she to reveal this to me? to her parents? she doesn’t want the baby. how painful is it to give birth? to get an abortion? she wakes up and calls me. she thinks she could be pregnant because she has not got her period yet. should she go and buy one of those test sticks? but her hometown is too small and her aunt works at the pharmacy. i tell her you cannot be pregnant. how can you be? from whom? again and again i tell her not to worry, not to fear. i say it’s actually normal to get irregular periods. once, i say, i dreamed that i was pregnant too. i was lying supine on a wood board, very much pregnant, being transferred through a valley into an abortion factory. ahead of and behind me, more pregnant women were being carried forward in the same way. the line must have been miles. i try my best to reassure her. i keep saying, how can you be pregnant? but then i grow suspicious and think, how can i be so sure? i know i have to, and yet. i don’t tell her once i missed my period for so long that i truly believed i was pregnant and bought a pregnancy test stick, even though i was not sleeping with a man. if you know your body is capable of being pregnant, how can you say for sure it is not pregnant at this moment? but i can’t tell her, otherwise she might get more worried. she says she is not sleeping with someone else and i say yes, i know. she says, i want to bear your child, but i’m afraid of the pain. i tell her i don’t want her to. i tell her i would be willing to bear our child if it could come from only her and myself; i would like to have a child that does not include the gene of a stranger. she laughs and says you’re silly and cute and i love you. we would not have a baby until technology advances enough to make it possible. later she falls back into sleep.