2018/3/23 Fri

  1. today i am awakened by a call at six am. it’s from an old friend of mine who i haven’t talked to for more than half a year. i have ignored her calls and messages. she calls me again at six thirty and i am again startled awaken because the vibration can’t be turned off. then she texts and says she wants to explain why, exactly a year ago, three am on the morning one day, she told me she liked me and acted as if it had all been a joke the next day. that is why i have been ignoring her. that incident reminded me of D and when she wanted us to be friends like nothing had happened, i found it too demanding: i had no idea how i could talk with her normally; it would make me feel silly, easily deceived. several months ago i told our mutual friend about the incident and asked him to keep it secret, but apparently he fails to do so. this, together with the fact that i found out weeks ago that his mother knew i had been in love with D during high school, throws me straight back into my past depression. lying in bed, unable to fall back asleep, i start to consider if i have done something wrong or maybe everything i have done is wrong and i want to cry but can’t, since i can’t settle down on one reason to cry for. i am forced to recall the time when i realized that D’s mother, her best friend in college, and her then boyfriend all knew i loved her and they all acted so friendly towards me; they said hi to me all the time and i could feel nothing but disgust, towards myself, for not trusting what they were saying to me, for wondering if there was something else creeping behind every smile every hello if deep down they all found me disgusting and her then boyfriend triumphant also. he must have thought i was pathetic. since then, if someone tells someone else anything about me without asking for my permission, i would experience what feels like the undoing of my boundaries. my boundaries are dissolved and i am liquified, unstabilized, turned into open water for others to drink from. this friend of mine, as well as D, can’t see what is wrong with that. they don’t understand why it can make me feel so terrible and think i am being vulnerable for no reason. it is a matter of falling back asleep or die. in the end i manage to sleep without crying, so i know i have changed. now i am almost a happy person, which was unthinkable for me several years ago. during that period i thought of death all the time. today i tell this friend i have been with C for three hundred days. for three hundred days she has made me happy, happier, better. this friend asks me how i met C. i tell her we met online. she says, what? online? i roll my eyes. salad: mixed greens, sweet corns, black beans, tortilla chips, chicken breast, sliced tomatoes, southwestern dressing. 1 small box of guava juice.
  2. beef bibimbap, bbq beef, bbq beef tongue, bbq broccoli. historical moment: today i’ve learned how to play mahjong (taiwanese style) and won three games in a row, starting from the very first one. we play mahjong at the producer’s place. she has three cats. she and the director hold the four legs of one of them so i can rub its stomach. it seems so unwilling to be touched that i feel guilty and only pat it twice. none of her cats likes me. in general dogs seem to like me more.
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