- 1 small cup of butternut squash with ancho chili and apple soup. why do i decide on this? it tastes so strange. medium hot apple cider. 1 chocolate cookie sandwich. 1 cherry stollen.
- medium mocha (hot). 1 almond sea salt cracker. today i receive my deck of tarot cards. i shuffle the deck and draw a card. when i don’t know what to ask, i always think in my mind, should i stay here or go home? the card i get is the highest priestess, which tells you to listen to your inner voice and pay attention to your dreams and is a particularly good card for poets and writers. i have considered why i like tarot so much but distrust zodiac signs. while the latter only tell one what they are like and what their week is going to be like and how they will get along with people born under other zodiac signs, the former makes you believe you have certain psychic powers, if you’re lucky. and you are not told anything for certain. also the design is more visually appealing. yesterday i dreamed i was walking to a building to meet C, but there were strong wind and heavy rain and it was nearly impossible for me to move forward. i felt desperate. i woke up immediately after i reached the building, without seeing C. then another dream: C was licking me but i didn’t feel much pleasure and felt the need to feign; she wouldn’t let me lick her. then another: my younger cousin (not G) and her parents came over to our place and her father, my mother’s younger brother, started to curse my mother for no reason. i argued with him and lost. i sat down at the table, where we were all sitting, and listened to him keep on cursing. i grew angrier and angrier. my cousin was going to sleep on the same bed with me because there weren’t enough beds. this morning C says when we make love she wants me to be brutal — in language that is, not physically. she says when we make love she feels masochistic, and she is afraid i’d find that abnormal and disgusting. she says if i could say something harsh or call her prurient she would feel taken into possession and therefore safe. she is afraid i wouldn’t be willing to. is it incorrect, to dream of being possessed? is it more acceptable if i want her to possess me just as much? is mutual possession healthier or more pervertible? but i don’t find it disgusting at all. if she wants me to call her something during sex, it feels the same as personal preference of a specific pose. i am surprised by her worries and fears. she keeps telling me to say no if that’s not what i want. i tell her i want everything she wants. she goes to sleep.
- 7 almond sea salt crackers.