- C says i must tell her how much i was in love with her before i asked her to be my girlfriend. yesterday she said i must tell her how much i love her now. i said, every time i eat, i consider if it is something you’ll eat. she has many things she refuses to eat. i have a list of what she likes to eat. currently it reads: pork ribs, pig liver, steamed eggs, red bean soup with sweet rice balls, pig large intestine, rice cakes, shrimp paste, toasts, sesame salad dressing, pineapples, char siu, corns, chocolate cakes, ice cream, japanese ramen, chow mein, etc. etc. she says if i feed her she’ll eat anything. i don’t believe it. instead of saying i don’t believe it, i say, if you don’t eat something i won’t eat it either. before making this statement i pause a few seconds, pondering, examining the truth of it. it’s a matter of how much i am willing to give up, how much of what i like to eat now can i live without. if you think about it really hard, eventually you’ll realize you can survive on very little. like, so what if i don’t eat avocados for the rest of my life? i never buy whole avocados anyway. i don’t know how to pick the good ones. what would i do if she’d refused to be my girlfriend? she says i used to act cold. i didn’t say much to her. she would ramble away and i just listened. if she’d refused to be my girlfriend i would beg her to be my girlfriend just for this one summer. once i had a schoolmate and she had had a summer boyfriend that she broke up with when summer was gone and the phrase sounds very young and shiny like the side of a surfing board that’s in touch with the ocean tide. i would say, if not girlfriend, what about summer girlfriend? does it sound disrespectful? but she said she would be my girlfriend because she’d been wanting to for a long time. she said she couldn’t bear it. why was i always so sad? she wanted to make me not sad or even happy now sometimes she succeeds sometimes less so. katsu don. they have a tv showing the street view of tokyo. it’s a 4k video, courtesy of tokyostreetview.com. jasmine green milk tea with egg pudding.
- medium apple cider (iced). someone told me it was just apple juice. the cashier says they may not be able to take cards before december. G asks me if she is depressed and i say i don’t know. she says she just wants to go home and eat chicken. i say but you can also eat chicken here. she says it’s true. the thing is the boy she’s drunk fucked has a girlfriend and she feels really bad for drunk fucking him to the point that she no longer likes the pair of heels he’s bought her. that night they drank wine in her bed and spilled it onto the sheet and spilled again. she demanded him to buy her a new sheet. i’ve been sleeping on this sheet since high school, she told him, it has emotional values. you ruined it. you have to buy me a new sheet. he said ok and took all the trash away when he left. she threw the sheet and all her dirty clothes into the washing machine and they came out clean as new. she called me. why is it so clean? where is the wine stain i thought should be impossible to wash away? he already promised. should i still let him buy a new sheet? i’ll ask him for something else. then she went on to talk about something else. today when she asks me if she’s depressed i figure it’s better not to mention anything along the line of body as currency and tell her about my near depression instead. i tell her to eat well and sleep well and tell me everything she feel like pouring out. fact is i when she talks to me i always feel that i am an empty swimming pool and her words rush in through pipe 1 and rush out through pipe 2 it’s a matter of speed. it’s a matter of competition. i think of C, what she says about acting sincere to earn the (mis)trust for the potential insincere. is this my way to take revenge because G has accidentally sold me out? i say you should not keep being in touch with him anymore. she says all right.
During virtual sex, what we say can be roughly divided into five categories: a. bodily actions; b. responses to bodily actions; c. comments on each other’s body; d. nickname calling; e. sexual fantasies (which, as mentioned above, are proposed as independent supplements but often integrated into immediate bodily actions). every time we make love, we are mixing and repeating these five procedures. the most challenging is the initiation. when you are so far apart and cannot rely on actual movements as a signal, how do you reveal your desire to your partner? can you just say it? sometimes one of us will say, “i want to play with you,” and it is the shortest initiation just as it is in person. otherwise we have to pause and think so that we are simultaneously indirect and explicit. one way is to keep saying, “i miss you.” another is to send kisses. i say, “kiss you.” she says, “kiss you.” and we go back and forth and if enough kisses have accumulated we develop a mutual understanding that we are going to make love. both ways allow room for playing (not as in “i want to play with you”). since it’s indirect, one of us may pretend to not know what the other is thinking and say, “why do you keep kissing me?” or, “i miss you too,” and give no physical response. but we both know it’s pretending.
bodily actions: hugs, kisses, licking fingers, biting, etc.
responses: hug back, kiss back, insert fingers into the open mouth, moan and gasp and ask for more biting, etc.
comments: you are so soft, you are so sweet, you are so wet, etc.
we call each other’s nickname intermittently to fill out blank spaces, when we have time to think of what to say next. it is also used when the other is silent for more than two minutes. in this case, it is both a way to check (“are you still there?”) and to indicate the state of knowing (“i know what you are doing right now and i know it is all because of what i’ve said.”).
sexual fantasies: i want to… next time, i want to… when i see you, i want to… for the whole day, etc.
i’ve been thinking, maybe i should apply more fantasies. i’m worried she might think i don’t fantasize about her enough.