James Ardis

Jimmy Walks

Episode 51 — Dallas, Texas

(PODCAST TRANSCRIPT)

 
 

 

Segment One:
           [STAMPS.COM]

 

This episode of Jimmy Walks is brought to you by Stamps.com. If you know anything about the people at Stamps.com, you know every single one of them has two broken, infected wisdom teeth in the back of their mouths and they can’t get out of bed because their gums have swollen into two rival golf balls.

When the Stamps.com employees were teenagers in the suburbs laying out by an apartment complex pool, they would grind their teeth too hard while listening to “Suga Suga” by Baby Bash featuring Frankie J (2003) and eventually their wisdom teeth fractured. Now, over ten years later, they’re in a weekend rental in Dallas, Texas they got off Craigslist labeled “Apartment With Community Pool/ Keurig Coffee on Site” and they are trying to make themselves a cup of Jazzed Up Decaf to start feeling like they’re back in a rhythm again but every time they take a sip, the Jazzed Up Decaf passes by their infected wisdom teeth and tastes like the bacteria cradled between their swollen gums.

But the people over at Stamps.com will not get rid of these broken wisdom teeth though they get infected twice a year because, well, first of all they can’t afford to get rid of them. They don’t have insurance, and their mothers don’t have insurance, and they’re too old to be on their mother’s insurance, and their dads don’t exist. But also because their infected wisdom teeth keep them humble. Look, the people over at Stamps.com know they live in one of the great cities in the greatest country in the world and they need to be humbled. Freedom is not free, it is infected wisdom teeth.

And this is all to say that Stamps.com understands how much of a drag it is to go to the post office in the 21st century. Stamps.com is postage on demand, it’s as easy as click, print, and mail. In a review on trustpilot.com, a good friend of the show Brian Powers wrote, “STAMPS.COM WORKS GREAT FOR OUR COMPANY. NO HASSLE.” He wrote that in all caps, folks. Enter the promo code JIM and receive nothing because Stamps.com does not actually sponsor Jimmy Walks. I enjoy their service and wanted to volunteer my support. That’s Stamps.com promo code JIM. Now, back to the show.

[PUBLIC DOMAIN MUSIC FADES IN]


 

 

 

Segment Three:
             [THANK HEAVEN, IT’S JIMMY]

 

If you want to contact me, I was available on Facebook at: www.facebook.com/suga.suga.jimwalkz with only one “z”.

But you can no longer add me on Facebook, if you too would like to cancel your Facebook: click the account menu, select “settings”, click “security” in the left column, choose “deactivate your account”. It may take up to 90 days to collect and delete everything you created. Flirty messages you sent to someone pretty will remain with Someone Pretty.

If you want to contact me, I was available on Twitter: @thankheavenitsjimmy.

But you can no longer add me on Twitter, if you too would like to delete your Twitter account you must go to a physical computer, go to “settings”, click “delete my account”, click “Okay, fine, deactivate my account”, click “deactivate”, after 30 days they begin to collect and delete everything you created.

I was available on Yahoo Mail at: sugasuga_seveneleven@yahoo.com.

But you cannot reach me through Yahoo Mail anymore, not because I deleted it, just because I don’t check it anymore. If you’d like to delete your Yahoo Mail account I really don’t think you can, I think that’s where the internet cuts you off. The internet wants something in the divorce and it chose your ten-year-old emails from Mr.Skin dot com.


 

 

 

Segment Four:
            [MEUNDIES]

 

Look, if you’re anything like me, you fold your freshly cleaned underwear into a carry-on suitcase even if you’re not traveling. Carry-on suitcases are a symbol of purpose and strength as well as adventure and the thought of staying in one place is frightening.

I mean, you grew up with a mother who thought she had to win the lotto to travel anywhere and your dad didn’t exist. Your mom calls you whenever you’re traveling and says she can’t wait to go on the same trip you’re on once she wins the lotto.

And don’t get me wrong: WE ARE ALL GOING TO WIN THE LOTTO, comfortably between the ages of 60 and 70 years old and it is going to be an important local news story.

We’re all going to win the lotto between the ages of 60 and 70 years old and live to be 100 so we can enjoy our winnings. Invest in the right kind of scratch-offs, there is a difference between a bum scratch-off and a good scratch-off, ask your local 7-Eleven attendant for details.

You will win the lotto but that does not mean you have to wait until that day to travel, that’s what Jimmy Walks is all about. You don’t have to keep walking through your suburb, back and forth on a street that is actually named Independence. Tomorrow you could be a podcast and walk around Dallas, Texas and your mother will go on the exact same walk 5-10 years later when she wins the lotto comfortably between the ages of 60 and 70.

When you’re walking through Dallas, Texas I’ll tell you something: you’re going to want to be wearing a pair of MeUndies. You know when you’re wearing these MeUndies you’re wearing a real pair of boxers whether you get the True Blue or Heather Grey or Dark Sapphire. It’s all about these Beechwood tree fibers that reduce odor and are twice as soft as cotton. When you put these on, you’ll feel like you could leave your hometown at any point with the dignity that a nice piece of carry-on luggage and a proper pair of boxers allow.

Visit MeUndies.com and enter the promo code “walkzz” with two z’s at checkout to receive a message in red letters that reads: “the promo code is invalid for one of these reasons: 1) code was entered incorrectly. 2) Code is expired. 3) Code is not valid in your country.” That’s MeUndies.com promo code “walkzz” with two z’s.


 

 

 

Segment Five:
            [VISIT DALLAS, TX BEFORE PABBY SEASON]

 

Jimmy Walks is coming at you live from Dallas, Texas. We are chugging along through the great city of Dallas, Texas. I just finished an interview over coffee with Susan who is a leasing office attendant over at Magnolia Trails Apartments here in Dallas, Texas. She confirmed that Magnolia Trails is home to a state-of-the-art swimming pool where you should expect just the right amount of dead crickets and Pabst Blue Ribbon from April to early June. She warned me things take a turn for the worst, some call “the pabby season”, starting in mid-June. She does laps in the pool at five in the morning after watching VH1 all night, then goes to sleep at six and wakes back up by nine-thirty to open the leasing office.

Susan confirmed that computers in the leasing office load the song “Suga Suga” by Baby Bash featuring Frankie J in somewhere between 7 and 12 minutes. Susan said that White, Indian, and Chinese Americans in Dallas, Texas spend over half of their annual salaries to live in Magnolia Trails because they fear for their lives in the more affordable apartment complexes downtown.

Susan’s mother worked as a leasing office attendant at Magnolia Trails Apartments when Susan was a child and so when Susan turned sixteen she was able to start working IN THAT EXACT SAME leasing office and has held the position of leasing office attendant for over ten years. When she was 19, Susan considered going to college but her mom reminded her that she would never be able to return as leasing office attendant at Magnolia Trails if she stepped away. Susan’s mother told her that Collin County Community College or “Quad C” had just bought a plot of land within walking distance of Magnolia Trails and encouraged her to wait until Quad C built a campus there because of how convenient it would be.

There is no question that Susan is absolutely BLESSED to be able to fill the position of leasing office attendant at Magnolia Trails. Although it has been eight years since Collin County Community College or “Quad C” purchased the plot of land near Magnolia Trails and has not yet started construction on a campus, Susan is still grateful that one day she will be able to walk to school from her job at the leasing office.

I CAN PERSONALLY ATTEST to the quality of the Keurig machine in the Magnolia Trails clubhouse. While I was there for the interview I sampled the Nantucket Blend and the Donut Shop Blend, both are really great options. It’s clear that Susan takes care of that Keurig. She dumps leftover water out of the Keurig’s reservoir at the end of the day before she goes home to watch VH1. Susan struggles to make small talk with the White, Indian, and Chinese Americans who come to the leasing office for coffee but always remembers to clean out the coffee filter when they’re done. This is what allows Susan to avoid that pond scum aftertaste you normally get from Keurigs.

It is certainly intimidating to interview someone like Susan who was born into one of the more important families in the Magnolia Trails leasing office power structure. She will one day be a college student and she is already preparing for the hard work it will take to be a full time student. Susan holds herself with confidence and I would imagine even outside of the Magnolia Trails leasing office, you could tell she was someone who had a job with excellent fringe benefits.

I spent the night with Susan, we walked around the empty lot where her community college will one day be and then we came back to her place and watched VH1 until the early morning. We swam in the apartment complex pool at dawn. We were very happy with VH1’s lineup that evening, starting with an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, then the film Space Jam at midnight, followed by four episodes of My Wife and Kids leading into the early morning.

Susan strongly believes that the morning brings just the right amount of dead crickets and Pabst Bluu Ribbon to the Magnolia Trails pool. She enjoys peeking into the living room windows of the White, Indian, and Chinese Americans in her complex while she swims at five in the morning. The White, Indian, and Chinese Americans like to start their day by watching Good Morning America. However, they cannot afford a television because they spend over half their annual salary on the rent at Magnolia Trails out of fear for their lives. Instead, they watch a pirated copy of yesterday’s Good Morning America they downloaded at work.

There is something TRULY ENGAGING about swimming in a pool at the break of dawn and arguing over which White, Indian, or Chinese American discovered the best pirated copy of yesterday’s Good Morning America. Susan’s upper arms had goosebumps running all across them as if she had never done this before. Susan only has one tattoo, it is on her ankle. The tattoo is a date, 8-15-2004, which was the one day her father actually did exist.

There is something special about watching My Wife and Kids with someone at two in the morning, something special about holding someone else’s hand while you’re both in the pool. But for the record I DID NOT HOLD HER HAND IN THAT POOL although I do not disagree that it would have been something special.

If you want to meet some White, Indian, or Chinese Americans in Dallas, Texas you should swing by the pool at Magnolia Trails at five in the morning. The gate code is 3421. Again, that gate code is 3421.


 

 

 

Segment Six:
           
[EVEN MY PERSONAL SOMEONE PRETTY]

 

There is much more you want to know about Dallas, Texas and we are gonna get to EVERYTHING Dallas, Texas but right now it’s time to play “Where are you walking?”. For you first time listeners, this is the segment in which I guess where you are walking while listening to this week’s podcast.

So this week you are 15 years old and it’s like 2 in the morning and your mom is asleep on the couch. Her wisdom teeth are keeping her humble and your dad doesn’t exist and you’ve walked over to someone pretty’s house and this Someone Pretty has taken your hand and they’re sticking your hand down their jeans.

You’re thrilled to be there, sincerely, you’d say “thank you” except that’s not really the vibe you’re trying to create. But once you’re down there, that Someone Pretty realizes that you don’t know what you’re doing. And that’s the thing — they aren’t even willing to guide you. That Someone Pretty put your hand down their jeans but that’s as much as they were willing to help and now they just say your name in the most disappointed tone you’ve heard. They pull your hand right back out.

So that’s where I come in: you’re walking home and you’re listening to this podcast. You’re walking home and there are exactly three 7-Elevens between your apartment and Someone Pretty’s house but tonight it’s going to feel like eight 7-Elevens.

You’re listening to this podcast walking home and thinking “Oh, wow, Jimmy knows so much about me being 15 years old and he seems deeply aware of the 7-Elevens in my area.” To which I say, of course I do because a PODCAST ALWAYS KNOWS its listeners, whether it wants to or not. And I know you want to tell me more about the 7-Elevens in your area and you need to talk to someone about the one time your dad did exist.

I understand you want to reach out and I know as a podcast I should encourage you to do so. If you are a podcast I recommend you advance your relationship with listeners, I recommend you take the next step in your relationship with Stamps.com and MeUndies.

Look, I go years without remembering Baby Bash, without remembering VH1, and my Someone Pretty. I do not depend on Baby Bash or VH1 or even my personal Someone Pretty but I appreciate their intensity when they visit. Is it possible for me to ask to have this kind of relationship with you and how do we begin? This is Jimmy Walks and this week has been all about Dallas, Texas. Check out visitdallas.com for more information, I hope you learned a lot but the learning is never finished when it comes to Dallas, Texas and that’s why we keep walking!

 

James Ardis published the chapbook "Your Arkansas: A Strategy Guide" (Gauss PDF) in 2016, a project that combines psychosis and video game strategy guides. His writing appears in Leveler, The Rumpus, and Small Portions, among others. He writes semi-frequently for Heavy Feather Review, Bullshitist, and Crossing Genres.